


Am I Broken?

by Pink8Fluffy8Unicorns



Category: TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-11-28 05:25:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18204122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink8Fluffy8Unicorns/pseuds/Pink8Fluffy8Unicorns
Summary: Huening Kai has struggled with depression ever since his parents got divorced, believing he might have been the cause of the split. While Kai is usually a bright and cheerful boy, he sometimes still struggles with keeping his happy mentality up.*This story is centered around Kai being taken care of by his group members and his Sunbaes(BTS). Together, all of his hyungs teach him how to love himself for who he is, despite what others say of him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so not all of the tags in the title are in this chapter, but will be in later chapters. I hope I find the motivation in the future to keep writing this story, that is, if people find it interesting. So make sure to give me constructive criticism in the comments, along with your personal opinions and suggestions for future possible scenarios. Kudos are also accepted:)  
> Also this is my first fanfic because I could not find any one I liked about TXT yet, so I wrote my own.  
> I checked over this like once, so ignore my mistakes.

I awoke with a jump at the screeching sound echoing in the dark. I momentarily panicked, before realizing that the horrible sound that startled me from my peaceful slumber was, in fact, my alarm clock.

I groaned tiredly before reaching out from under the warmth of my green covers, and then brought my hand back under my cheek to try and sleep for a little while longer.

Just as I was starting to nod off again, I heard someone knocking at my door.

"Maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away", I thought hopefully.

After a few seconds had passed, the knocking started up again, this time knocking harder and more rapidly. I snuggled further into my bed as whoever was at the door kept knocking incessantly. With a huff, I sat up straight in my bed, my sleepiness now replaced by annoyance.

" I'm up! I'm up!" I shouted at the person through the wooden door.

"Hurry up and get ready Kai-ah!-", the person, which I noticed was Beomgyu, responded exasperatedly, "- you knew our sunbaenim's were going to pick us up early today! Get up and be ready before they arrive!"

"Oh" I thought as I realized that Beomgyu was right. Our Sunbaenim's, BTS, were going to pick us up today to take us out for the day, like they had promised a while ago. We had been planning this for a while now, and finally, now that our schedules were both free today, we were going to hang out.

I had been so excited about today the night before, that I couldn't sleep well, but now that I'd been reminded of what today held, I sprang out of bed to get ready for the fun day out with my hyungs and sunbaenims.

 

*little time skip to after Kai is done dressing*

 

I barge into the bathroom next to the living room after getting dressed, to find Soobin and Taehyun also getting ready within this bathroom.

"Always the last one up." Taehyun teases me as he finishes drying his hair.

"Oh, leave me alone Taehyun." I reply as I roll my eyes at him through the mirror as I try to start taming my bedhead.

Soobin simply chuckles at our antics before pausing his teeth brushing to take out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans.

"They are outside waiting to us!" Soobin yells towards the open bathroom door so the other two people in the dorm could hear. 

We all run around in a hurry to gather what we will need for the day and head out the door.

 

*little time skip to TXT getting in the van*

 

I felt excited as I climbed onto the big twelve seat van, just big enough for all of us. I was not only excited about hanging out with all of my sunbaenim's today, which we had only met briefly, but also because for the first time since TXT debuted there wouldn't be any camera's around to record us. 

I greeted Jimin and Jungkook as Taehyun and I settled in the very back with them.

"Good morning!" Jimin greeted back as he leaned toward us with a smile so big his eye's disappeared momentarily.

"Ya! You're gonna scare away the babies from us!", Jungkook whined as he tugged the back of Jimin's sweater.

"I'm just greeting them with a smile!" Jimin retaliated,", and besides," he continues as he suddenly engulfs Taehyun, who was between myself and Jimin, into a hearty side hug, "they love me, don't you?", he asks the both of us.

Taehyun does not waste anytime before returning the side hug and happily replying," Of course we love you guys! I've loved you since I first heard of you guys in middle school!"

Taehyung turns around from his seat and laughs as he hears this.

" Aigoo, you guys are so cute!", Taehyung coos at us.

I smile as I look down to hide my blushing face. I am not used to being complemented, and now a person I haved looked up to for so long is telling me I'm cute. I hate that I'm easily flustered.

Soon enough everyone is settled into the van, and Seokjin starts driving to the restaurant they rented out for the morning.

It amazes me that instead of making a reservation at the restaurant, like a normal person would, they rented out the entire restaurant for the whole morning just so that we wouldn't be disturbed or bothered. I hope my group can be as successful as theirs in the future. We already have a lot of people supporting us, which I honestly think is just because BTS are our sunbaenim's, but hopefully with time we can prove that our group is just as good as theirs. Maybe even better. No. Probably not, but we will definitely try.

Everyone easily falls into a conversation with each other. Taehyun with Jungkook and Jimin, Soobin and Yeonjun with Hoseok and Taehyung in the row in front of me, and Beomgyu with RM in the seat in front of them. Yoongi is in the passenger seat, being the navigator for Jin.

I turn towards the window and watch the buildings go by. I was really excited to be out of out our stuffy dorm and not being somewhere to shoot a video for the public, but I am not the best people person. Everyone was casually talking about whatever they thought about, the topics came and went. What movies had been watched, who had broken what item, what had happened because of whatever, but I stayed looking out the window. I envied my group members, they were able to quickly warm up to all of our sunbaenims, and I was still feeling awkward around them. My brain could not take in the fact that these amazing people cared for me, and as a result I tended to stay quiet around them. I wish I was able to playfully banter with them like the rest of my members, but instead I was looking out the window, starting to feel insecure about myself. Why does my brain always have to complicate things?

"Hey," Taehyun's soft voice reaches my ears, "are you okay?" he asks me as I turn around. 

I notice that Jungkook and Jimin are also looking at me. I unconsciously shrink into myself under their stares.

"Yeah, why do you ask?", I question him back.

"Well, you're just being more quiet than usual," he replies and looks thoughtful for a second.

"Hey, did you take your meds this morning?", he continues quietly.

I glance at Jimin and Jungkook, suddenly feeling really, extremely small under their questioning looks, probably confused as to what Taehyun is asking me. 

I turn my gaze back to Taehyun and think back to my morning and realize, that I had not taken my antidepressants this morning. Come to think of it, I had not taken my antidepressants yesterday either. 

Yesterday we had been ushered out of the dorm as early as today to film a video, and this morning I had been so lost in my excitement that I had forgotten as well. I guess that's why I felt extra small today.

"No", I confess quietly, "I forgot to take them." I say as I look down.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Taehyun asks me again, his face trying to find mine.

A little annoyed at his question I put a fake smile and beam up at him.

"Yes, I'm sure! Just a little tired, I've been feeling better these days anyways!" I reply, hoping he'd believe me.

"Oh, okay then", he replies, although I could tell he wasn't entirely convinced.

He eventually turns back to the worried looking pair behind him and starts up the conversation again, even though it now sounded a little forced. He probably just wants to make them forget about what he asked me, and it seemed to work as they start to talk animatedly about whatever it was Taehyun had brought up.

I sigh as I turn back to the window and stare at the outside world again. I silently chastise myself for my forgetfulness. I had started to struggle with depression ever since my parent's divorced. I mean, it wasn't even that bad. Everyone turned out happy in the end. Obviously, it was quite bad for a little while, but everything still turned out okay within my family. I don't know why I was affected so much by what happened. My other siblings seemed to be fine after a while, but I always felt bad about what happened, even though I couldn't have possibly affected the outcome of my parent's marriage. Maybe I could have done something to keep my parent's from splitting up, but I try to not think about it much seeing as the divorce is in the past, and my father already has another wife. Beside's, ever since I became a trainee at Bighit, I haven't really had time to really think about my difficult past.

Everyone in my group knew I struggled with depression and that I have been taking meds for a quite a while now to help me feel better, and all of my hyungs have always taken extra caring of me. 

In the beginning, it was easy to hide the pill I took each morning, and it was easy to come up with excuses when I went to my weekly therapy sessions. But after my group was formed and we all moved in together into one dorm, and we were together all the time, it got hard for me to hide the truth from them. I could no longer tell them I had extra dance practice, because now we practiced together. And since we all also now lived together, it wasn't surprising when Soobin found my little orange bottle of meds, and asked about them. So I told him.

I've always liked Soobin, and not just because he was our leader, but because he made me feel safe. He was the first one I met, and I immediately felt calm around him. He was nice and tolerated me when I got hyperactive and went crazy. He played with me, as if he wasn't my hyung. 

Eventually I told everyone, as I could no longer lie about where I went weekly. I am really glad I told them. My hyungs treated me the same as before. Okay, maybe they cuddled me a bit more, but I am not complaining. I am really grateful that my members take such good care of me, but sometimes I wish they would not be so concerned about me all the time. It irked me when Taehyun asked me if I had taken my meds while Jungkook and Jimin were listening, I don't want my sunbaenim's to know how messed up I am over something I couldn't have possibly controlled. They'd think I was weak, and I just couldn't bear the thought of my idols thinking I was weak.

My thoughts are interrupted as there's a small cheer from the other's, and I realize that we made it to the restaurant. I straighten up and sigh silently. I had really been looking forward to today, but now that I'm here, I really wish I was back under the safety of my green covers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is basically just a continuation of the last chapter. Honestly I wasn't expecting anyone to actually care about this, but I was proven wrong, which is good. So here you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proof read this so ignore my mistakes.

Once we got within the fancy restaurant a male host led us to a private room, even though I felt that was completely unnecessary considering the restaurant was closed to all but us. We all sat down on two tables that had been scooted together to make one big long table, and I ended up sitting as far away from my sunbaes as I could get, which was the very end of the table. Soobin sat directly in front of me with with Taehyun on my left. I didn't bother to see who else had sat where. It wouldn't matter, considering that had no intentions to interact with anyone anymore. 

Earlier when I was in the van, I started to feel a little upset, but I didn't know why. Maybe because I was angry at myself for forgetting to take my meds. Maybe because I was starting to feel the effects of not taking my meds. Maybe I was tired because I couldn't sleep last night. Or maybe it's just the facts that my brain is messed up and I can feel it more now that I've forgotten to take my meds. I need my meds. I need them to feel better, be better, to be someone other's would like, to be normal, to-

"Kai-ah, did you hear me?", a voice interrupted my thoughts. 

I glance up and notice Soobin looking at me weirdly.

"Huh?" I reply dumbly.

"I asked, if you knew what you were gonna order yet.", he responds in a cautious tone, eyeing me questioningly.

Great. Now Soobin was treating me like a child because I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. Now he was gonna keep an eye on me and probably going to scold me later for being reckless and not taking care of myself. Taehyun had already made Jungkook and Jimin suspicious with his question earlier, and Soobin was bound to do or say something to me in front of the others that would give them more reason to be suspicious of something being wrong with me. And then they are going to ask questions, and since everyone in my group knows how messed up I am and they all trust BTS so much, I just know one of them is going to say something, because why would they care about my feelings? And after they tell my sunbaes, my idols, they'll realize how fucked up I am, and they won't like me anymore, because who would care for a depressed nobody like me? And then-

"Hyuka!"

I jump in my seat as I'm startled out of my thoughts. I find myself looking up again, slightly confused as to when I had turned my head back down, and look at Soobin who definitely looked worried now. He now wore a frown on his usually smiling face, as well as a small crease between his eyebrows, as they were drawn closer together in worry. I realize that it's silent and I look, for the first time, around the table and I realize that everyone's attention is now on me, wondering what's wrong.

I quickly look down again and start to fiddle with a loose thread on the stitching of my sweater. My voice suddenly decided to not work, and I couldn't say anything. Probably wouldn't have been able to say anything anyways considering I wouldn't know how to respond as I had forgotten what he had asked me. So I just sat silently as I started to hunch my shoulders in, and lower my head down even more as I tried to hide myself from the view of others.

"H-he'll just have what I'm having.", Taehyun responded for me, "Isn't that right?", he questions me.

"...yeah..." I answer with a little difficulty, suddenly aware that my throat is dry.

"Oh, okay.", Soobin says back. I didn't look up to see his expression. 

I can still feel everyone's questioning gaze on me, and just as I heard someone clear their throat to ask what was wrong, our host came into the room and asked for our orders.

I stayed silent the whole time, allowing Taehyun to answer for me when the host turned to me, ready to write down my order. I didn't even feel hungry anymore, my hunger now replaced by anxiety. I didn't even know what I was so anxious about, I had no reason to feel this way. 

I felt nervous as I realized that once the host was gone, the others would be free to ask away. I remembered the bathroom sign on the way in, so maybe I could excuse myself to the restroom until the food arrived, and then they wouldn't ask because they would have most likely forgotten by then. But then what would stop them from asking my group mates? They would surely ask them even if I left. Either way, I was screwed. Should I stay and suffer their pitying looks directed at me, or should I be a coward and hide in the bathroom and try my best to ignore their sorrow filled gazes afterwards? What to do, what to do?

As I hear the host start to walk away to get our orders to the kitchen, I impulsively decide and stand up, looking at Soobin.

"I need to use the restroom, I'll be back soon", I say quickly, and then I proceed to scurry to the safety of the bathroom, ignoring the calls of both my sunabes and mates. 

I find the bathroom door quickly and I rush in. I go the the biggest stall at the very end, lock the door, and sit on the clean gray floor. It isn't until then that I realize how much I'm shaking. Why am I shaking? Why am I so stupid, useless, and dumb? I need to get my shit together, ignore my irrational idiocy, and go back out to the others and be normal.

As I'm mentally trying to put myself together, I hear fast footsteps approaching the bathroom door before I hear the bathroom door open.

I hadn't thought about the possibility of people following me here. Should I ignore them?

"Hyuka-ah", I hear Soobin call out into the bathroom. "Hyuka-ah, are you in here?"

I hesitate for a moment before I respond, 

"...yes..."

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"No." I reply truthfully, deciding to be honest. I lay my head against the wall as I sigh in defeat. I had hoped to keep my feelings to myself until we got back home, but I had already screwed up earlier, so being honest seemed like the best thing to do now.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and I just know he's frowning again. Why do I always make people sad?

"Well, I'm just feeling a little sad and lonely.", I pause before adding," I-I forgot to take my meds today a-and yesterday, so I guess the effects of not taking them are kicking in." I finish quietly with a small fake chuckle.

"Kai-ah, you know you have to take those everyday for them to be effective, otherwise the antidepressants won't work and you'll start to feel the withdrawal.", he explains to me, as if I didn't know already.

"Yeah, I know." I respond as I realize that he'd used my actual name. Was he mad at me? He 's always called my Hyuka. I've made him upset with me, I realize.

I begin to sniffle as my eyes become hot. I'd made Soobin, the happiest person I know, mad at me, and that made me sad. 

I hear him step up to the door and stop, most likely trying to decide whether he should leave me here and be depressed or force himself to stay and console me. This thought is what finally makes me cry, as I could no longer hold in all of my negative emotions.

"Kai? Hyuka, please open the door, come out." He says softly, as if he actually cared for me.

"N-no, you ca-an just go back to-o the other-rs. You don't ha-ave to pretend to ca-are for me-e." I reply angrily, trying to suppress my sobs, but failing. 

Doesn't he know that I know what he was debating? It's obvious he doesn't care for me, nobody cares for me. Not even my own family cared about me. I had always tried to please my parents, doing everything they asked of me. I learned how to play the guitar, piano, drums, and even the flute because they said it would make them happy. I learned how to sing, and I sang what they told me to sing so that I could make them proud of being my parents. Yet they still split up, and no matter how many times my mother tries to tell me that I couldn't have affected their choice to split up, I can't help but remember their last final argument before the split. 

*Memory of argument, kai is in his room listening from under the covers of his bed*

"You are unbelievable!" mom yelled, her voice sounding muffled, as they were downstairs. 

"You know what?" My dad yelled back in rage," You are fucked up, and everything you do is fucked as well, I mean, look at fucking Kai! He is the way he is because of you!" 

"Don't you bring my son into this! He has nothing to do with-"

*End of memory, as Kai could no longer listen to his parents fight and he covered his ears to pretend everything was okay*

"Hyuka? Hyuka please open the door, I care for you I really do! You know it's just your brain making you think that, please open up, you know we all love you, right?", Soobin continues to try and reason with me, and I can suddenly see that he does care. Yes, he does. My thoughts start to make themselves clear for the first time of what felt like a long time, and I start to calm down. My members do care, they were the first to really, actually care. They love me, no matter how fucked up I am, they love what my dad couldn't love, whatever it was.

I shakily stand up, trying to control my sobs. My eyes would, without a doubt, be bloodshot and there would be no way of hiding that I had cried like a baby. 

With a final wipe at my wet cheeks, I unlock the stall's door and step out.

Soobin wastes no time in giving me a big bear hug, and I feel my anxiety and sadness slip away, now being replaced with the shame of breaking down over basically nothing. I try to hide my face in the crook of his neck, looking for comfort.

"It's okay, baby, it's alright. We love you, we all do.", he whispers soothingly.

"I k-know" I reply tiredly.

"Do you want to go home?", he asks carefully. "I could call a taxi and we could both go home. Then you could take your medicine and sleep for the rest of the day."

I think about his suggestion. He had also been excited to spend today with our Sunbaes, maybe the most excited out of all of us. I couldn't take today away from him just because I felt bad.

"Nu'uh, I think the worst has passed." I told him, " I'll be okay. I think."

"Are you sure?" He asks, pulling me away from him and looking into my eyes.

"Yeah.", I reply with a small smile. 

How could I have thought that he didn't like me? How could I have thought that he didn't care for me. With a jolt, I realized that the others must've told our sunbaes about me.

"H-hey Soobin?" I start timidly, looking at him in concern.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think the guys told my sunbaes about me?" I ask nervously.

"Told them what?"

"Told them how fucked up I am.", I say as I look down.

"Woah," he grabs my shoulders in a comforting way before shaking me gently, "you are not fucked up in anyway, you are perfect, you hear me? There is nothing wrong with you.", he tells me and then stops to make sure I was listening, "And to answer your question," , he continues, " I don't think the guys would tell others your private stuff, even if they are our sunbaenims. Also, I don't think they would think lesser of you, or think that you were weak, if that's what you're worried about. I mean, they've written songs about the struggle people like you go through!", he exclaims.

It's true. That's maybe why I look up to them so much. They forged their own path in the music industry, and while they got a lot of criticism for talking about controversial topics within their music, they were still successful. How did I ever reach the conclusion that they would hate me for being how I am? 

I guess that's just depression being an ass.

"Heh", I chuckled softly at my last thought.

"What's funny?", Soobin asks, looking at me as if I were going to break down again.

"Oh nothing, it's just, I realize now how irrational I've been lately. That's all.", I explain with a small smile.

"It's okay, you know that, right?", He responds.

"Yeah, I do now. Thanks for coming here for me. Honestly I probably wouldn't have come out on my own." I reply, and it's true. I would have stayed crying pathetically in the bathroom until someone came to get me out. I'm glad Soobin came after me.

"It's no problem, Hyuka.", He replies with a smile of his own. 

"Hyuka, you don't have to tell the others about what was wrong, but just know that it would probably make you feel better if you were honest about what went on, and they'd probably would feel better knowing too.", he tells me.

"Yeah, I realize that now.", I stop to think before adding, "If they ask me directly then I'll just answer truthfully." I finish with a smile, suddenly feeling happy. It feels good to be happy.

"You can do whatever you want. It's okay.", replies as he hugs me one last time and then parting from me.

"Okay, let's go back now," I reply before dramatically sniffing the air, "I think our food is ready, let's go!"

Laughing together, we exit the bathroom with the intentions of racing back, only to find Namjoon, Jin, and Yeonjun standing directly outside the bathroom's door, stumbling back a bit at the door suddenly being yanked open.

"O-oh, hey guys, we were just going to come check on you both." namjoon tells us as he rubs the back of his neck.

"Yeah, we just wanted to make sure you two were alright, because you were gone for quite a while." Yeonjun adds.

"We were listening to what you guys were talking about through the door because we were worried." Jin confesses, making the other two to look at him in disbelief.

"You've got to understand," Jin continues, "We are responsible for your group, not only because you are out with us today, but because ever since our company decided to form another group, we swore to protect and love you guys, and we promised to keep you safe." Jin finishes, looking directly at me, indirectly telling me that he loved and cared for me. 

"What Jin said was right," Namjoon says, "And, I'm sorry that I lied to you earlier, I just wanted to give you the freedom of telling us when you wanted to." He explains.

"Oh, screw that, I wouldn't have been able to wait until he confessed to us!" Jin exclaims. "I need to give him hugs and kisses now!", he says before pulling my shocked self, shocked at his honesty and sincereness, into a hug, almost tripping me into him. Then he pulled me back and started to shower my face in kisses, before pulling me back into a hug, almost slamming me into himself.

I could no longer hold in my joy at being under their care, and I started to shake gently with the laughs I was trying to hold in. Soon enough I start to laugh out loud, making the others smile fondly at me before chuckling.

I pull myself away from Jin only to be engulfed by Namjoon.

"You foolish kid, I've only met you briefly yet I know that I love you more than I love Jin-hyung.", he tells me.

"Yah, what is that suppose to mean?!?" Jin exclaims at Namjoon and hit's his shoulder after letting me go.

I chuckle as we start heading back to the tables, Soobin's arm around my waist, and Jin's protective arm around my small shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you got this far, well thanks I guess. Giving me advice on what to do better or what you guys wish to see in the comments below.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a continuation of the last chapter. I don't really remember what it was about anymore, I didn't proofread this. I didn't think people would like this so I didn't start out with a story in mind, but I feel like I still need to continue this for those who actually enjoyed readings this. All I know is that there's a lot of crying.

As I turn the corner and finally see the other's again, I realize how concerned they appeared. And seeing then concerned for me made me feel good inside, because it showed that they did like me.

As we get closer I notice Jin's hand fall off my frame, and Soobin gives me a pat on the back before also letting go.

I sit back down in my seat, next to Taehyun, and finally look at everyone sitting around the table. I felt the need to confide my secret with them, and I was about to explain myself when the servers started to come in with plates of food. I turn to Namjoon, who was seated two places to the left of Soobin in front of me, and he just shrugs, as if to say, "You can tell them later" and then just smiles at me, and I smile back. 

When I smile back at him, the others realize that I was fine now, and noticeably calm down, their serious faces slowly morphing into happy ones. 

I feel Taehyun reach for my hand underneath the table, and I grab his. He squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back, silently telling him I was fine, and then he lets go.

Soon enough there are multiple plates in front of me, all filled with different foods. My mouth starts watering, my hunger making itself known, and I dig in with the rest of my brothers.

*little time skip to after they've all stuffed their face*

I lean back as I finish my last bite, and rub a small circle on my slightly bulging belly.

"Taehyun-hyung!" I say dramatically, "I'm pregnant!", I exclaim as I hold his shoulder with my hand closet to him.

"Oh my god! Really?", he replies back, equally as dramatic with his eyes widening, as he also rubs my belly. "Who's the father?"

At this point, almost everyone at the table had finished their own meals, and were paying attention to us.

"Come here!" I whisper loudly as I wave Taehyun over to whisper in his ear. "Don't tell anyone, but Soobin is the dad!" I exclaim, not even bothering to whisper.

I smile as I lean back to see his own smiling face, then we both turn to Soobin, who happens to still be focused on his food. He feels the stares and looks up at us.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" He asks as he wipes at his lips.

"Congrat's Soobin-shi!" Jin exclaims from beside him, slightly scaring Soobin.

"Congrat's on what?", He asks dumbly.

"Why, on your unborn child, of course!" Jin replies quickly.

"W-what child? I don't understand." Soobin says, looking perplexed.

He looks around at all of us, still looking seriously confused, and then the entire table bursts out laughing at his confusion.

"What so funny!? I'm too young to be having children!" He insists as his ears turn a dark shade of red, which makes us all just laugh harder.

It feels good to laugh.

.

After everyone was finished, and had Jungkook payed our bill after loosing rock-paper-sissors, we head back out to the van. The sun was now high in the sky, the sun rays quickly making me feel hot.

I end up sitting in the very back once more with Jimin, Jungkook, and Taehyun, only this time I sat between Jimin and Jungkook. 

Namjoon explained to us that we were now heading to their own dorm to hang out for the rest of the day, promising us that we'd have enough to do within their apartment complex.

Nice.

I was starting to doze off, as my I food coma was starting to kick in and also the tiredness that came from having a mini mental breakdown, when I felt a small nudge on my arm.

I look to my side to find Jungkook looking at me.

"Is something wrong, Jungkook-hyung?"I ask tiredly.

"Are you okay?", he questions back.

I pause to think about how many times I'd heard that same question today, and smile.

"I am now.", I reply.

"Okay."

.

When we get to their dorm complex, I can't help but let my mouth gape. They lived in a seriously rich neighborhood. There was a tall fence surrounding their apartment buildings, that had a little guard house at the entrance gates. As we get closer, and stop at the gates, Seokjin rolls down his window a bit, and exchanges some words with the person within the guard house, before rolling his window back up and driving through the now open gate. 

When we park in their underground designated parking spot, we head to the elevators, which could only be opened with a number password, and head up to the main floor, where we took another elevator to get up to their floor.

While in the elevator I notice the labels beside some buttons, "Lobby, Pool, Gym, Grocery, Bank, Sports, Library, Cafe", and the rest were labeled "Private Floors", which was where we were heading. 

Wow, I guess they really did have everything.

Once we get to their floor, we walk out of the elevators to walk to their apartment door. Once we get to the door, Yoongi puts in a number password, which opens a fingerprint scanning slot, to which he then proceeds to place his pointer finger upon. After three beeps, the door unlocks and we head in.

"Yah! This whole place is awesome! You guys have a whole fence, guard, underground parking, password accessed elevators and doors, and fingerprint scanning doors!" Beomgyu exclaims, excitement radiating his person.

"It's not fair!" I exclaim childishly, waving my fists in small circles on my sides, "I want to live in a cool place too! Our dorms lock doesn't even lock sometimes and our elevator has been out of service for the last two weeks!"

"Once you guys turn famous and worldwide, like us,", Jin starts, playing along with me, "Maybe you guys could afford a better lock for your door!", he finishes with a laugh that sounds like a windshield wiper.

*time skip to a little later*

Jimin led us to Jin and Yoongi's room, where we lounged around and took turns playing Mario Cart. After a little while of watching the others play from my spot on the floor, my head started to ache. I put my head down between my legs and covered my ears, trying to block out the loudness of the room. I was starting to feel a little off again. 

"Hey" I hear someone softly speaking into my ear.

I look up to find Yoongi studying my face.

"Are you alright?", he continues.

"I just have a slight headache." I tell him.

"Do you want some pain medication?", he asks me.

"Yes please" I respond quickly, as I get up to follow him to their kitchen, noticing that Taehyung had followed us as well.

"Is everything alright?", Taehyung asks Yoongi.

"Yeah, Kai-ah just has a headache,", Yoongi explains, as he opens and closes the cabinet doors, searching for the pain relievers.

Taehyung turns to me and takes my face in his big hands to squeeze my cheeks.

"Oh, you haven't been feeling alright today, have you? What was wrong earlier today baby?" he asks me sweetly.

At his question and abrupt act of affection, I suddenly feel bad. I don't even know why, I felt fine three Mario Cart rounds ago, laughing with everyone else at Hoseok's frustrated shrieking at being hit with a banana peel.

Without thinking, I throw myself onto Taehyung, hugging his middle as I try to hide my face in his chest, which was a little awkward considering I was one inch taller than him.

"Oh, baby what's wrong?" he asks me, concern clear in his voice, as he returns my hug firmly.

"I-it's just," I start, and Taehyung softly encourages me to continue by stroking my back. 

"It's just that I kinda sorta have some issues, ya know, mentally, and I usually take medicine to help me feel good...but these last two days I've forgotten to take my medicine which has left me feeling...sad and...lonely..." I finish quietly.

"Oh baby, is that why you were crying earlier?" he replies, "you should know, we all love you, you know. You are not alone, Yoongi-hyung has struggled with depression before too."

I pull my head back, but didn't part from the comforting hug, to look at Yoongi, who was standing to the side with a white and red bottle grasped in his hand.

"Really?", I ask him.

"Yeah, but I'm better now.", he tells me.

"Does it get better?" I ask him.

"Yes. Yes it does get better. It's rough for quite a while," he pauses to look at the ground before looking back up at me, "but with all of us, you are going to get better, just like I did." He tells me.

I return my head to Taehyung's chest and start to cry. I cry because Taehyung was so nice to me, because I was just told that Yoongi had also struggled with depression before and he turned out alright, I cry because I know I'm going to be better, and because I have so many wonderful brothers that take care of me.

I cry until I can't cry anymore, only hiccups coming out every couple seconds as I try to steady my breathing. Taehyung still stroking my hair, as he holds me close. Finally, after what must've been a good twenty minutes or so I start to wind down.

"Are you okay now, baby?" Taehyung asks me softly, while still hugging me.

"Y-yeah." I respond, my voice low and hoarse.

"Do you still want the pain relievers?" Yoongi asks me, holding out two little red pills with a glass of water.

"Yes, ple-ease." I respond as I detach myself from the warmth of Taehyung and reach out to take the items from Yoongi.

They stand silently as I take the medicine, not saying anything as I drink the entire glass of water. I put the glass down on the counter and then yawn, as the tiredness was starting to kick in.

"Do you want to sleep?" Taehyung asks me,"You can sleep in my bed." he offers.

"That would be nice." I confess. I was really tired now.

"Okay," he grabs my hands before he starts to lead the way, "Let's go, I share a room with Namjoonie-hyung!" he babbles excitedly as I hear Yoongi sigh at his antics. I can't do anything else but smile.

.

Once we got inside his room, he quickly lead me to his own bed, across from the bed that was literally overflowing with Ryan plushies, and he gave me a few blankets to use, and before I could say anything, he got in first and made himself comfortable. He then waved at me to come over and also get in. 

I stand there for a few seconds before shrugging and joining him. I wasn't about to neglect cuddles form Kim Taehyung, I'd have to be stupid to do so. 

I got comfy against him, laying my head on his chest, and he laid his hand around my waist, bringing me closer to him. I felt so relaxed, it was so soothing to cuddle with someone. He smelled like the laundry softener, and so did his soft covers. The smell was fresh and clean. I slowly get lulled to sleep, breathing in his lovely scent and listening to the steady beat of his heart. I really love this hyung.

"Heh, I love you too, baby." He tells me as he softly rubs my back.

Oops, had I said that out loud? Oh well. It was true.

And then I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you get this far? Because if you did, why? This story ain't even that good, but thanks for reading I guess? Comments and kudos are appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, this is just a continuation of the last chapter. I don't really have the next chapter yet, but I know that if I do write one then it's not going to be a continuation of this chapter. There's a lot of crying here. Like, a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, my writing is trash, and it surprises me when people tell me this story is nice. I'll get better. Eventually.

I was running through a dark and foggy forest. I felt damp, whether is was from the humidity of the forest or my own sweat I did not know. What I did know was that I was being chased, chased by a someone that wanted to hurt me, someone that wanted to make me suffer.

I ran, and ran, and ran.

I heard the man behind me get closer, his footsteps getting louder and clearer. His harsh breaths getting nearer and nearer.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!", he bellowed right from behind me, causing me to stumble a bit, skidding over a bit of muck from the forest's floor.

My heart pounds against my chest as I regain my balance, and right as I was going to keep running, the man's hand grabs at my hair and yanks me back, holding me in a chokehold. 

His breath smelled of cigarettes, and his strong hands held my neck.

I was terrified. I couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't anymore.

*waking up*

I wake up with a harsh jolt, shaking. I lay in the bed, trying to remember where I was. I taking in a ragged breath, only to breathe in a clean smell instead of smoke. I think back to where I was, Taehyung's room, and start to calm myself down. And then I freeze as I remember that Taehyung gotten in bed with me. I slowly raise my head from where it was, and glance up. Taehyung was still sleeping, letting out soft huffs of air as he exhaled.

'He stayed', I realize, and that made me feel calmer, knowing I wasn't alone, and hadn't been alone as I slept.

Even though Taehyung's bed was soft and warm, I had to get up. 

I was a sweating mess, my clothes sticking to my skin under the thin covers Taehyung had covered us with earlier. I shakily sit up carefully, not wanted to wake him up, but was not successful as he promptly opened his eyes as I was finally able to get up.

"Hey, are you feeling better now?" he asks me as he rubs the sleepiness out of his eyes, his voice low.

"M'hm." I reply, not able to form any words with how shaken I still was from my nightmare. 

As I was sitting up on the edge of the bed, I feel the bed shift slightly as Taehyung also sits up, putting a hand on my shoulder. Suddenly, I feel the the tingling feeling at the bottom of my stomach, before it travels up to my midriff, and then the tingling feeling sits, boiling, at the end of my throat. I feel like throwing up, and I stand up quickly as I realize this to go find a bathroom, only to trip on my own feet and fall down.

I'm suddenly laying on the hard wood floor, dazed and confused as to what had just happened, and I hear Taehyung exclaim loudly as he sprints up from the bed to start helping me get back up.

I feel the tingling feeling rise up to the top of my throat, and I shove Taehyung off of me as I stand up again to go and find the bathroom I noticed on my way here.

I ran out the door holding my hand against my mouth, almost running into Jimin and Hoseok who were calmly walking towards the room casually chatting with each other. I ignore their questioning looks and dash off in a hurry.

Finally, I get to the bathroom, still holding my mouth, and don't even bother to turn on the lights on before finding the toilet, lifting the seat, and vomiting everything I had eaten that day.

As I'm still expelling all of the contents of my stomach, I feel someone hold my hair out of my way and also rub my back in a what was intended to be a soothing manner, but it did little to comfort me as my throat kept spasming and I kept choking on my vomit, as it was also shooting out my nose.

Eww.

My stomach finally stops lurching, and I lay my head against the edge of the toilet.

"Hey, that's dirty." I hear someone say, I was too tired to think about who it was.

Whoever it was though, pulled me back and laid my back on his chest, allowing my head to lay on his shoulder. 

The cold tiles beneath my spread legs felt so good against my hot skin, and the person started to softly massage my aching sides, making me sigh in pleasure and relief. 

I felt so good that in that moment, that I felt tears of contentment and relief start to roll down my red face.

"Oh baby, are you in pain?" I hear someone ask in front of me.

I shake my head.

"Do you feel like throwing up again?" I hear behind me.

I shake my head again.

"C'mon, let's go to the living room so that you can cool down." the person in front of me tells me as he tries to help me stand up.

I shake my head, taking my hands away from his, still laying comfortably against whoever was behind me.

"Baby,", he continues, "c'mon, we'll get you a nice glass of water, so that you can get rid of the aftertaste of vomit, and then we'll cuddle on the couch together, okay?" He offers.

I think a little before answering. 

A glass of water would be nice. And cuddles were also nice. And they did have comfy couches in their living room, made out of nice and soft, cool, leather. 

I slowly nod my head before opening my eyes, noticing for the first time that the lights were on, and I look at who's in front of me. 

It's Taehyung and Hoseok, crouched down to my level.

I turn my head to the side, and see Jimin's face close to mine.

I turn back to the two in front of me, and hold out my hands, silently asking for help. They both take a hand before pulling me up, and slowly leading me to the living room, still holding my hand.

'Why was I so dizzy?' I thought.

I also feel hands on my waist, knowing they belonged to Jimin.

We make it to the living room, only to be met with the stares of everyone else, all in swimming attire.

They swarm around me quickly, asking me questions I didn't understand right now.

"Guys, let's not overwhelm the kid right now," I hear Yoongi tell the others.

Finally I'm able to sit down on the couch, Soobin and Yeonjun both taking a seat on either side of me and quickly taking my hand's in their's. 

I stare at my lap, knowing the others are waiting for me to say something.

"Hyuka, are you hurt" Soobin asks me.

"No" I say before remembering I'd fallen down pretty hard, "I don't really know." I confess.

Before anyone could ask me anything else Jimin came back into the living room, 'when had he left?', and handed me a glass of water, which I quickly gulped down.

After I was done with it, I looked up to find everyone settled around me on the couches around me and on the floor.

"Kai-ah, are you really okay? You've been acting strange all day, and you look as if you've been through hell and back!", Jungkook exclaims, not able to keep his worry back now.

"Jungkook! That's insensitive of you!" Jin scolds him.

"N-no! It's okay, really!" I tell Jin as I look up.

Jin eyes me, making sure it really was okay, before settling back in his place.

'Okay, I could tell everyone now, enough crying for today!', I mentally prepare myself.

"O-okay so..." I start awkwardly, nervously taking my hands back from Soobin and Yeonjun to pick at my fingernails. 

"So today, I'm sure you've all noticed that I've been acting...not myself." I start, looking up briefly to see them all looking at me attentively.

"And I feel it would be best if I told you all why." I continue. "See, the thing is that...I've been struggling with...depression." I pause as I hear those who didn't know yet breath in in surprise, "and I usually...ya know..." I hesitate," take antidepressants to make me feel better mentally and physically...but I've forgotten to take them for the last two days... and I guess that I'm just feeling the effects of suddenly not taking them after taking them for so long...and..." I stop as I notice I've made my nail bleed as I had nervously ripped off a piece of lifted skin, "and...yeah...that's it." I finish lamely, looking up at the people around me.

I don't honestly know what I had been expecting from them, well, those who didn't know about me yet. I sat there for a few seconds, allowing Jungkook, Jimin, and Hoseok take in what I had said, for I told everyone but them by now.

Then I heard a small sniffle. And then another. And another. 

'Was someone crying?' I thought to myself as I looked up in the direction of the sniffling, only to find Jimin and Jungkook silently crying, Jimin sniffing louder and louder until he was openly sobbing softly.

I was kinda shocked. Really shocked. Why would he be crying?

"Why are you crying?" I asked him, without really meaning to ask him.

"It's just," He started as Hoseok took his hand in his, "I'm really sensitive when it comes t-to people struggling with their mental health, because I've struggled before about my outward image and it really screwed me over for q-quite some time, but I'm obviously okay now, but sometimes I struggle too and earlier I heard you tell Taehyun about forgetting to take your meds, and I foolishly assumed that you had a cold or something and let it go, and now you've had a bad day when you were suppose to have a good day, and I feel bad because I could've helped you have a great day, but I didn't!" he finished, taking in deep breaths at the end of his rant, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Taehyung and Yoongi move closer to him and Hoseok, touching Jimin in some form to comfort him silently.

I stare at him, and realize that it was me who made him cry. And I start to get teary when I realize that he cared for me, honestly cared, because a person would not just cry for someone else. Even though he did confess to being sensitive to hearing about people struggling with mental issues, he felt bad that he didn't do something about today.

I really do have such great hyungs. 

My throat suddenly felt as if someone had taken ahold of it, only to shove a rock down it.

"J-jimin-hyung, please don't cry!" I tell him, a little louder than I intended, stuttering a bit. "I-i hate i-it when people cry f-for me, because that means I-I made them s-ad." I explain, my vision turning blurry as my tears welled up inside my eyes as I looked at him, before I shut my eyes and dove into Yeonjun, holding him tight as I hid my face from the others.

"I-I'm so-orry-y Ji-imin-hyu-ung!" I manage to hiccup out from where my face was smushed against Yeonjun's chest, his firm hands rubbing my back.

"Da-amn i-it!" I yell out, frustrated at myself for being such a baby, and crying again after I had told myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

I had unconsciously started to repeatedly slam my own fist against my thigh, and didn't notice until I felt Soobin forcefully grab my hand to keep me from hurting myself. 

I really can't do anything right.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't take in the oxygen I needed- needed- to calm down. 

Inhale. Exhale. Panic. 

I heard someone trying to talk to me, to help me, but I was too lost in my own head, trying to calm down.

Inhale. Inhale. Exhale. 

"Kai-ah, please listen to me!" I felt someone else take my hand from where Soobin was holding it, and then pressed it against their own chest. 

"Breath in with me." He instructed.

I felt his chest slowly expand under my hand, and I tried to slowly fill my own chest with air.

"Good, good, now exhale." he told me.

I felt his chest slowly going back down, and I tried my best to follow his lead.

I don't know how long I sat there with my face hidden in Yeonjun's chest, the other steadily helping me get my breathing under control. Eventually, I was able to breath normally, still hiccuping every once in a while.

"Are you okay?" I heard being asked.

'Are you okay?', 'Are you okay?', I've heard that question all day today, at first I let it go, people are allowed to check up on people. I get it, really, I mean, I ask my mates that question often too, but I had heard that question so many times today that by now it was just annoying, also I had just literally broken down in front of everyone, I was clearly NOT okay.

'Maybe if I just ignore the question, they won't ask again.' i thought as irritation sparked inside me.

"Kai-ah, I asked if you were okay," someone said again.

Before I could even think about what I was going to do, I whipped my head away from Yeonjun, and ripped my hand from the person holding it, Yoongi, and turn to glare at the person who'd asked me if I was okay, Jimin, and just went off.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE IM FUCKING OKAY TO YOU! I LITERALLY JUST FUCKING BROKE DOWN IN FRONT OF EVERYONE LIKE A DAMN BABY AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK IF I AM OKAY WHEN I AM CLEARLY NOT OKAY!", I screamed at him, my voice feeling raw and my hands shaking in my lap. I even felt my head throb a bit at how angry I felt.

But then...

My eyes widen as I come to my senses, and I stare at Jimin, who had tears welling in his eyes again. 

Why am I such as dumbass?

"Jimin-hyung! I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you! I'm sorry, please forgive me I-" before I could continue with my nervous ranting, Jimin rushed forth from where he was and engulfed me in a hug, basically sitting in my lap.

"It's okay, you were obviously not okay, it was stupid of me to ask in the first place." he whispers to me, but I'm sure everyone heard anyways.

"I'm sorry" I tell him once more, still feeling guilty.

Soon enough I feel someone else hug me, then another, and another, until eventually everyone is hugging me.

I hear the others whispering their own comforts to me, telling me that it was okay, that they would be better hyungs for me, that it was okay to snap once in a while, that they loved me and cared for me.

Then, after a long while, we parted.

"I'm feeling emotionally drained, and I didn't even cry." Beomgyu states, as sniffles, his eyes red from crying.

"Yah, you were crying more than Seokjinnie-hyung!" Jungkook replies.

"Yeah, well you were crying too!" Beomgyu and Jin respond back simultaneously.

"Guys, I think everyone cried at one point, stop arguing!" Namjoon ends the bickering as he rubs at his runny nose with the towel he had around his neck.

"I'm sorry guys." I tell them all.

"Don't you dare say sorry, you can't say sorry for being human Kai-ah!" Yoongi tells me.

"...okay"

"It's alright kiddo, thank you for telling us about yourself. You know you can come with us whenever you have any issues right? Like any issue, small or big, mental or not, whatever, we'll be here for you." Namjoon continues. "All of you." He looks at my other group mates.

"Yeah, we know Hyung." I tell him, a smile creeping at the edge of my lips,"Now", I continue, "let's cut this sentimental shit because honestly I'm sick of crying." I finish.

Jin is quick to tell me to not curse, but he still chuckles along with the others at my statement, silently agreeing that we'd all cried more than enough today.

"Hey! Crying is not bad." I hear Taehyun tell me.

"Yeah, I know," I reply, "It's just that I don't know if my body can produce anymore tears." I tell him with a smile.

It's then that I notice for the second time that they are all in swimwear.

"Why are you all in swimsuits?" I asked confused.

"Oh, we were going to go to the pool, Jimin and I were on our way to wake you guys when you ran out the room." Hoseok tells me.

"Oh" I tell him, not knowing what else to say.

"We can just stay here and watch a movie now though" Seokjin tells me, worry still shown upon his face.

"What? why? You guys can still go." I tell them, "Don't worry about me. I'm don't really want to swim, but I'll go with you and just lounge around." I tell them.

"Really?" I hear Soobin ask me.

"Yeah" I reply.

"I can keep you company kid, I wasn't planning on getting wet either." Yoongi tells me as he comes forward and pats my shoulder.

"Okay, then. Let's go, I guess." Namjoon says as he grabs Jin's hand and starts leading us out the dorm door after we got everything we needed.

I was a bit shaky still, but I felt better being out and walking again.

I had just pressed the elevator button labeled "Pool" when I realized that I did not just have Hyungs that loved and cared for me, but that I was surrounded by eleven awesome people that would do anything for me. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon reclining on a long chair besides Yoongi, calm and feeling loved as I saw those I loved splashing around in front of me.

I felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, did you get this far? lmao, if you did, tell me how I can improve or your ideas for future chapters, because I need them.


End file.
